I read this poem and immediately thought of Holden. He was sent here by God, and had a job to do, but Holden just worked too fast, and got it done too quickly. I miss you with all my heart everyday. Not a minute doesn't go by that I don't think of what you would be doing! I love you my little sweetheart.

To my dearest family,

some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know that I
arrived okay.
I'm writing this from Heaven. Here I dwell
with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness,
Here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because
I'm out of sight.
remember that I am with you every
morning, noon and night.
The day I had to leave you when my life
on earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me and He
said, "I welcome you".
It's good to have you back again,
you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly, you are part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do,
to help our mortal man.
God gave me a list of things,
that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list,
was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night the
day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you... in the
middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth
and all those loving years.
Because you are only human,
they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry,
it does relief the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers,
unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you
all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life
on earth is over.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.
There are many rocky roads ahead of you
and many hills to climb.
But together we can do it by
taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy
and I'd like it for you too,
that as you give unto the world,
the world will give to you.
If you can help somebody who's
in sorrow and pain,
Then you can say to God at night...
"My day was not in vain"
And now I am contented...
That my life was worthwhile
knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody
who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up,
as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street
and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half step behind.
And when it's time for you to go...
from that body to be free.
Remember you're not going...
YOU"RE COMING HERE TO ME.

This is for me....

So I'm trying a new thing. Writing. Yep that's right I'm going to try some writing, I don't care if anyone wants to read or critic it... this is for me, something to get these feelings out that are all pent up inside me and driving me insane. Sure I talk to friends about what I'm feeling, but sometimes I really don't know if I'm really getting everything out. So here I go.

It's been 1 month now since Holden has been gone, and it just plain SUCKS! For the lack of any other words or feelings, it is just plain shitty. I keep replaying that horrible day in my mind, wondering where exactly did things go wrong, wondering if and only if there was ever anything that I could have done.
That morning:
That Friday morning, we woke up (well he was cranky) a little only because he was drooling a little which I thought was his acid reflux that we were fighting. I picked him up, which when I did, he fell fast asleep again in my arms so I knew he wasn't ready to be up completely. So I put him in his swing and went to do my every Friday routine... pay bills! After a few more hours of him sleeping, I fed him and we had some awake time, which was good because we were going to lunch with grandma, aunt Doris, amber, Carrie (it was a girls day out). We got ready and went to lunch. Daddy was at home sleeping since he got home from work early in the morning.
We came home before we went shopping, and Holden was being a pistol.... he was tired, but didn't want to lay down for a nap, and couldn't really let me or Jon do anything but hold him. Well Jon had to go to work, so off he went and that left Holden and I to ourselves that night. We rocked, and played a little (which was tummy time). And then we had his night feeding and got him all wrapped up like a little baby burrito (which he loved to be in) and he fell fast asleep. So I placed him in his crib. Little did I know, that that was the last time I would hold him in my arms, or talk to him......
I would do anything to go back to that moment, and hold on to it for so much more time!
The next thing I know Jon was running into the bedroom screaming my name to wake up... and my heart just sank into the pit of my stomach, because by the sound in Jon's voice I knew something was wrong. I just began screaming as I ran to Holden's room... and there in the crib was my sweet baby boy, just lying there.... I began running around and knew enough to call 911, and Jon was holding him and trying to get him to breath. Jon tried everything that the operator told us to do, and when we saw the police run up the driveway Holden went into their arms.
I was so scared and in so much shock that I just screamed and cried as they put me in the front seat of the ambulance. When we got to the hospital there were so many people around Holden trying their best.... but in the end my precious sweet baby boy was gone. And that was the worst day of my life!

Each day sucks more and more, as I will never know what went wrong, or what he would turn into.
I miss my little glow-worm. I would do anything to have him in my arms again!