This is for me....

So I'm trying a new thing. Writing. Yep that's right I'm going to try some writing, I don't care if anyone wants to read or critic it... this is for me, something to get these feelings out that are all pent up inside me and driving me insane. Sure I talk to friends about what I'm feeling, but sometimes I really don't know if I'm really getting everything out. So here I go.

It's been 1 month now since Holden has been gone, and it just plain SUCKS! For the lack of any other words or feelings, it is just plain shitty. I keep replaying that horrible day in my mind, wondering where exactly did things go wrong, wondering if and only if there was ever anything that I could have done.
That morning:
That Friday morning, we woke up (well he was cranky) a little only because he was drooling a little which I thought was his acid reflux that we were fighting. I picked him up, which when I did, he fell fast asleep again in my arms so I knew he wasn't ready to be up completely. So I put him in his swing and went to do my every Friday routine... pay bills! After a few more hours of him sleeping, I fed him and we had some awake time, which was good because we were going to lunch with grandma, aunt Doris, amber, Carrie (it was a girls day out). We got ready and went to lunch. Daddy was at home sleeping since he got home from work early in the morning.
We came home before we went shopping, and Holden was being a pistol.... he was tired, but didn't want to lay down for a nap, and couldn't really let me or Jon do anything but hold him. Well Jon had to go to work, so off he went and that left Holden and I to ourselves that night. We rocked, and played a little (which was tummy time). And then we had his night feeding and got him all wrapped up like a little baby burrito (which he loved to be in) and he fell fast asleep. So I placed him in his crib. Little did I know, that that was the last time I would hold him in my arms, or talk to him......
I would do anything to go back to that moment, and hold on to it for so much more time!
The next thing I know Jon was running into the bedroom screaming my name to wake up... and my heart just sank into the pit of my stomach, because by the sound in Jon's voice I knew something was wrong. I just began screaming as I ran to Holden's room... and there in the crib was my sweet baby boy, just lying there.... I began running around and knew enough to call 911, and Jon was holding him and trying to get him to breath. Jon tried everything that the operator told us to do, and when we saw the police run up the driveway Holden went into their arms.
I was so scared and in so much shock that I just screamed and cried as they put me in the front seat of the ambulance. When we got to the hospital there were so many people around Holden trying their best.... but in the end my precious sweet baby boy was gone. And that was the worst day of my life!

Each day sucks more and more, as I will never know what went wrong, or what he would turn into.
I miss my little glow-worm. I would do anything to have him in my arms again!