Hurting, and the pain doesn't seem to end.

It's seems that these past few weeks/days, have been running together. They seems to be flying by, and I can't slow down. With each and every passing day, it's a consent reminder that it's another day that i'm further away from Holden. It's another day that I don't have him in my arms. I couldn't believe just 2 weeks ago, it's been 6 months since i've held him, I can still remember to a T what his smile look like that night as I laid him in his crib. I remember him opening his eyes big and bright, and just looked right up at me. I remember that day, every little thing that we did... I remember sitting in the chair just rocking him with him laying on my chest and singing to him, and rubbing his back trying to get him to calm down, and settle. I remember that morning and the horrifying scream of my husband yelling my name, and in that split second knowing that something was terribly wrong!

It's been 6 months, and this haunts me. These are my last memories of my son.... I should be remembering when he graduates from high school, or college... when he get's married, when he has his 1st child..... I should be watching him grow up.

I feel all this pain each and every day, and i'm not quite sure how to get out of this low in my grief. It's hard, it's horribly hard. I keep beating myself up that there should have been something that I should have done. My husband said it right the other day -

"7 months and 1 day ago was the greatest day of my life.... 6 months ago was the worst day of    my life. You should have attended my funeral, in a very distant, unknown future. Instead I attended yours. Still can't help but to blame myself. I miss you Holden, and I always will. I love you MicroMan."

It tears me up that I have put my husband through this..... 

It's so hard to just continue on this path.... I miss Holden so much, and the worst part is that I want my son back. I want him back in my arms, and I know that this is never going to happen. I feel as though i've been telling myself this each and everyday, and now.... after 6 months i'm finally understand the words that are coming out of my mouth. That I am never going to wake from this dream. That this IS MY LIFE. This is my new life.
That now, my husband and I have to start all over, and not to replace Holden, but adding to our family, with a HUGE weight of worry on our mind as we go through that process, a process that should be a happy and joyous one. Which I feel is going to be filled with FEAR. I have to learn to have FAITH over FEAR, but that's easier said than done at this point.
I just wish that I could go back to August 27th, 2010 and snuggle just a little bit longer, kiss and hold him just a few more minutes, get a few more pictures. I miss my little "glow-worm" so much!!!!!