Feeling of failing

So today as I get them mail like everyday, there in the mailbox is the letter that Jon and I have been waiting for. It's the letter from the coronor's office, with the autopsy report in it. This will tell us exactly (well we are hoping) what happened to our precious baby boy) I'm scared, scared to death to even open it. I can't, I can't do it alone, and I can't do it when Jon is here either. All I could do was text him and let him know that it is finally here. He called and talked to our pastor, and sunday we are going to review it.
In on hand I want to know, but on the other hand I feel like a failure. Like I failed as a mother. I let my son down.... I let my husband down. I've let so many people down.... and it hurts, because this is something that I cannot fix.
I miss you Holden so much! I hope that you don't feel like I failed you. I hope that I was a good mother. I miss you my little glow-worm!