This is for me....

So I'm trying a new thing. Writing. Yep that's right I'm going to try some writing, I don't care if anyone wants to read or critic it... this is for me, something to get these feelings out that are all pent up inside me and driving me insane. Sure I talk to friends about what I'm feeling, but sometimes I really don't know if I'm really getting everything out. So here I go.

It's been 1 month now since Holden has been gone, and it just plain SUCKS! For the lack of any other words or feelings, it is just plain shitty. I keep replaying that horrible day in my mind, wondering where exactly did things go wrong, wondering if and only if there was ever anything that I could have done.
That morning:
That Friday morning, we woke up (well he was cranky) a little only because he was drooling a little which I thought was his acid reflux that we were fighting. I picked him up, which when I did, he fell fast asleep again in my arms so I knew he wasn't ready to be up completely. So I put him in his swing and went to do my every Friday routine... pay bills! After a few more hours of him sleeping, I fed him and we had some awake time, which was good because we were going to lunch with grandma, aunt Doris, amber, Carrie (it was a girls day out). We got ready and went to lunch. Daddy was at home sleeping since he got home from work early in the morning.
We came home before we went shopping, and Holden was being a pistol.... he was tired, but didn't want to lay down for a nap, and couldn't really let me or Jon do anything but hold him. Well Jon had to go to work, so off he went and that left Holden and I to ourselves that night. We rocked, and played a little (which was tummy time). And then we had his night feeding and got him all wrapped up like a little baby burrito (which he loved to be in) and he fell fast asleep. So I placed him in his crib. Little did I know, that that was the last time I would hold him in my arms, or talk to him......
I would do anything to go back to that moment, and hold on to it for so much more time!
The next thing I know Jon was running into the bedroom screaming my name to wake up... and my heart just sank into the pit of my stomach, because by the sound in Jon's voice I knew something was wrong. I just began screaming as I ran to Holden's room... and there in the crib was my sweet baby boy, just lying there.... I began running around and knew enough to call 911, and Jon was holding him and trying to get him to breath. Jon tried everything that the operator told us to do, and when we saw the police run up the driveway Holden went into their arms.
I was so scared and in so much shock that I just screamed and cried as they put me in the front seat of the ambulance. When we got to the hospital there were so many people around Holden trying their best.... but in the end my precious sweet baby boy was gone. And that was the worst day of my life!

Each day sucks more and more, as I will never know what went wrong, or what he would turn into.
I miss my little glow-worm. I would do anything to have him in my arms again!

One month

It's been 1 month since my nightmare. There are days that seem easy, and then BAM! i'm hit with a brick wall and get set back. I can not believe that it's been a month. Holden would have been 2 months old yesterday..... and that was hard. I look at pictures and wonder what features have changed, or how big he's gotten, or what new thing has he learned to do. I miss him so much, I can't believe that my heartaches just to hold him again.

What a year....

Well it's been quite awhile since i've even thought about writing.... where to begin.
Well before I was talking about wanting to get pregnant, but my husband was living in another state. Well after he had finally came back home, and we discussed the whole topic about starting our family.
Well by the end of October, we were expecting! Yep took us no time to get pregnant! :)
So through out the next 9 months, we never wanted to find out what we were having, I just wanted a heathly baby.

Well July 27th, 2010 our child was born - Holden Adym Jonathan born at 3:07 a.m. Weight: 7lbs 7oz Length: 19 3/4" . This boy's luckey number is #7!!!

The past month was the greatest.

Now this is very difficult for me to write, and also say, but on August 28th, 2010 we lost our son. My heart just aches, and hurts everyday since that morning that my husband found him in his crib. I feel like i'm living a nightmare and can't wake up. All I want is to hold my child and hear him cry 1 more time.

African thunderstorm

This is just awesome! I really love the begining! It's really cool.


African thunderstorm

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My niece is walking!

So Kenley has decided to begin walking! We all knew last week when we traveled to Greenfield village that it wouldn't be long before she took off.... well here she goes! (I must warn you, she's so excited that she screws with delight - I may be loud!)

And the best part of everything Saturday she's going to be 1!!!!! Where did the time go, it seems like it wasn't that long ago that I went up to the hospital to meet her for the first time.... holding her in my arms.

So cute as a button, and I just want to hold her forever I can't get enough of this little girl!

Extra Special Christmas Gift

So, I never really feel that any one of my gifts are better than the other, I love them all. But my mom really out did herself, and I must say that it's worth commenting about. (and for those of you that know me, know that I usually don't toot my own horn!)

Here is what my christmas gift was (to me and my sisters):

It all starts with this poem:

Roses are red, Violets are blue

I truly do love the 3 of you!

Tis the season of love and the season of caring.

This year I'm drawn to the season of sharing

Several years ago my mom gave me a ring

So sad but such a beautiful thing

I wore it with pride but always a reminder of the week she died

I do not wish that memory for the three of you

So I have divided the ring as best I could

And made each of the women in my life her own memory

Today while I'm happy and life is still fun I am sharing mom's ring

Such a beautiful thing

I really think mom would approve, since she loved you too

Wear them with pride and I'll be so glad to share,

almost like a big hug from mom and me around the three of you

One more thought before we all cry, Please try to keep

the stones in the family and future generations will share

the gift of love

That started with a gift to share.

What my mom gave us was a beautiful ring that has a stone from my grandmother's ring.... I think at that point, my sisters and I were in tears, and really didn't know what to say. I miss my grandmother so, and now have her even closer to me at all times.

This was such a touching and loving christmas.

O Christmas tree... O Christmas tree

So this pass weekend I finally put up our tree... but I wonder why, because the cats seem to think that it needs to come down! The pretty colored bulbs are wonderful toys! And the best part of all, is that the cats think that they are our early x-mas presents..... Not really the gift I was looking for! :)