Need to do something?

I don't know, I just don't know what direction my life is heading, and I just have the need to do something. I come home everyday from work, and just sit..... sit and do nothing, but think and wonder what life would be like. What would my life truely be like with a child here to take care of. Someone who needed me at every second of their lives?
I just feel that there is something out there that I should be pouring myself into. Wether it's scrapbooking Holden's book, or working on other cross-stich projects, or hell even trying to get into more better shape. But all I feel is the need to just sit, sit and reflect, but I feel that it's pulling me down into a funk, and with it being winter I think that's the worst for me.

Happy New Years

As I sit and listen to the nosie's happening around this quite house, I wonder what the sounds would have been? Would I be hearing some crying of someone getting up around now? Or the laugh of a little boy making faces at mommy? Or would daddy be up and making Holden giggle? That's what I wonder, I wonder why my "new life" is like this..... would I ever hear these things again? Would I ever be happen and joyous as I was when Holden was born?
My hope for 2011 is that maybe, just maybe I can feel happiness again, that I can feel the love at first sight again. That Holden will become a Big Brother, that my fears of starting my family again will be calmed with my faith in the Lord. That everything that I did, and have done in the past will help me, and that our family can continue to grow.

So I look back on 2010, and am gracious for all the joy's that 2010 brought me....... HOLDEN ADYM JONATHAN, and the sadness of lossing my precious son. But I know that he is in the most wonderful place anyone could ever be, but that comforts me a little knowing that. But it's the human and mom in me that wants him here again in my arms. To see his smile, to hear his laugh and giggling, to see his precious blue eyes, to run my fingers through his brown hair, and to kiss his forehead over, and over, and over again!
I miss you so much!!!!!!

Ba humbug

Christmas is drawing near, and life is becoming more and more confusing. I'm missing you Holden more and more each day. All I keep thinking about is what great things that this year was going to bring around christmas... a 5 month old opening gifts, looking at the christmas lights and just seeing that sweet little twinkle in your eye. And now all I want is to see you, hold you and kiss your forehead.
I miss you, I just want christmas to skip over our house!

Thanks for what?

So as i'm on my online support group, a tab off to the side kept popping up saying "tell us what you are thankful for". Well honestly I don't feel as though as this year I have a lot to be thankful for, and then I really do... so I wrote this:
What am I thankful for this year......
In one way, I really don't have a lot to be thankful for, and on the other hand I have tons. On July 28th, 2010 I became a mother for the 1st time. I couldn't believe my wonderful and beautiful son - Holden Adym Jonathan was born. My world had been completed, Jon and I were so excited as this new chapter in our life together was given to us. God gave us the best gift!
And then in one quick swift moment, on August 28th, 2010 my son was taken away from me. He passed away in his sleep and what we have been told since that moment, that it was SIDS. My wonderful and beautiful world came crashing down.
But in the one month that I had with my son I am most thankful for having him here, and for him to show me so much!
So the anwer to the question "What am i thankful for this year?" Is getting a chance to know my son, and the chance to become a mom. .
 
Without you Holden, my year would have been just another year, but you made it the best year I have had since Jon and I got married, or the year that we started dating! You are the best thing. I love you so much my little micro-man <3 I love you! <3

Numb

Why is it so hard to be so happy for someone who hurt me so much? I have a new nephew and am completely not totally happy. I'm glad to hear that I have a nephew, but it hurts.
My new life and feelings just suck!

I read this poem and immediately thought of Holden. He was sent here by God, and had a job to do, but Holden just worked too fast, and got it done too quickly. I miss you with all my heart everyday. Not a minute doesn't go by that I don't think of what you would be doing! I love you my little sweetheart.

To my dearest family,

some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know that I
arrived okay.
I'm writing this from Heaven. Here I dwell
with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness,
Here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because
I'm out of sight.
remember that I am with you every
morning, noon and night.
The day I had to leave you when my life
on earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me and He
said, "I welcome you".
It's good to have you back again,
you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly, you are part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do,
to help our mortal man.
God gave me a list of things,
that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list,
was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night the
day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you... in the
middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth
and all those loving years.
Because you are only human,
they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry,
it does relief the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers,
unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you
all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life
on earth is over.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.
There are many rocky roads ahead of you
and many hills to climb.
But together we can do it by
taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy
and I'd like it for you too,
that as you give unto the world,
the world will give to you.
If you can help somebody who's
in sorrow and pain,
Then you can say to God at night...
"My day was not in vain"
And now I am contented...
That my life was worthwhile
knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody
who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up,
as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street
and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half step behind.
And when it's time for you to go...
from that body to be free.
Remember you're not going...
YOU"RE COMING HERE TO ME.

This is for me....

So I'm trying a new thing. Writing. Yep that's right I'm going to try some writing, I don't care if anyone wants to read or critic it... this is for me, something to get these feelings out that are all pent up inside me and driving me insane. Sure I talk to friends about what I'm feeling, but sometimes I really don't know if I'm really getting everything out. So here I go.

It's been 1 month now since Holden has been gone, and it just plain SUCKS! For the lack of any other words or feelings, it is just plain shitty. I keep replaying that horrible day in my mind, wondering where exactly did things go wrong, wondering if and only if there was ever anything that I could have done.
That morning:
That Friday morning, we woke up (well he was cranky) a little only because he was drooling a little which I thought was his acid reflux that we were fighting. I picked him up, which when I did, he fell fast asleep again in my arms so I knew he wasn't ready to be up completely. So I put him in his swing and went to do my every Friday routine... pay bills! After a few more hours of him sleeping, I fed him and we had some awake time, which was good because we were going to lunch with grandma, aunt Doris, amber, Carrie (it was a girls day out). We got ready and went to lunch. Daddy was at home sleeping since he got home from work early in the morning.
We came home before we went shopping, and Holden was being a pistol.... he was tired, but didn't want to lay down for a nap, and couldn't really let me or Jon do anything but hold him. Well Jon had to go to work, so off he went and that left Holden and I to ourselves that night. We rocked, and played a little (which was tummy time). And then we had his night feeding and got him all wrapped up like a little baby burrito (which he loved to be in) and he fell fast asleep. So I placed him in his crib. Little did I know, that that was the last time I would hold him in my arms, or talk to him......
I would do anything to go back to that moment, and hold on to it for so much more time!
The next thing I know Jon was running into the bedroom screaming my name to wake up... and my heart just sank into the pit of my stomach, because by the sound in Jon's voice I knew something was wrong. I just began screaming as I ran to Holden's room... and there in the crib was my sweet baby boy, just lying there.... I began running around and knew enough to call 911, and Jon was holding him and trying to get him to breath. Jon tried everything that the operator told us to do, and when we saw the police run up the driveway Holden went into their arms.
I was so scared and in so much shock that I just screamed and cried as they put me in the front seat of the ambulance. When we got to the hospital there were so many people around Holden trying their best.... but in the end my precious sweet baby boy was gone. And that was the worst day of my life!

Each day sucks more and more, as I will never know what went wrong, or what he would turn into.
I miss my little glow-worm. I would do anything to have him in my arms again!