6 months old.....

So as I wake this morning, my thoughts begin to go to Holden as they usually do most mornings. Wondering what new things we would have been doing... would I have been able to straighten my hair for work, crazy things like that. And of course today, I wonder.... 6 months, really, 6 months And you've been gone from my arms 5! This is insane, this is what my life is like now, counting the months that my son has been gone, and counting the moments that would have been a happy time, as now a spot to look at and think of what really we would be doing! REALLY, this is what I have now to do in my life!

All I can say is this is not what I had thought my life would be like before I turned 30! Not a all... but one thing is for sure, I wouldn't trade any step... any tear that i've shed for anything in this world. I am so happy that I got the best gift given to me.... Holden, and I had him for the best month! I would not give that up!!!!!!

On a side note, I have been sick all week, and hadn't really checked my mail. Well the other week (I think the 1st part of January) my friend Tiffany (Holy Pee Stick Batman) another dear angel mommy of mine decided to honor her son Julius with doing something special each month, and for January she was doing a contest for a bracelet.... well I entered not really giving it much thought that I would ever win, but just that how cool would it be, i'd win something that not only would remind me of Holden, but also her and her son each and every day that I wore it...... Well after her drawing, I won! Really I won, the person who never wins anything! So i've been in contact with Jessica (from Trev Trev Designs) creating my bracelet... and of course long story short, I got my bracelet in the mail this week! It brightened my day when I saw the package. Here's a pic for all to see:

It's just beautiful! I have worn it everyday, and look at it so many times at work, people probably think I have a wrist problem or something. But all I think about is Holden, Tiffany, and Julius (and of course all the other mommies and their angels too)

Need to do something?

I don't know, I just don't know what direction my life is heading, and I just have the need to do something. I come home everyday from work, and just sit..... sit and do nothing, but think and wonder what life would be like. What would my life truely be like with a child here to take care of. Someone who needed me at every second of their lives?
I just feel that there is something out there that I should be pouring myself into. Wether it's scrapbooking Holden's book, or working on other cross-stich projects, or hell even trying to get into more better shape. But all I feel is the need to just sit, sit and reflect, but I feel that it's pulling me down into a funk, and with it being winter I think that's the worst for me.

Happy New Years

As I sit and listen to the nosie's happening around this quite house, I wonder what the sounds would have been? Would I be hearing some crying of someone getting up around now? Or the laugh of a little boy making faces at mommy? Or would daddy be up and making Holden giggle? That's what I wonder, I wonder why my "new life" is like this..... would I ever hear these things again? Would I ever be happen and joyous as I was when Holden was born?
My hope for 2011 is that maybe, just maybe I can feel happiness again, that I can feel the love at first sight again. That Holden will become a Big Brother, that my fears of starting my family again will be calmed with my faith in the Lord. That everything that I did, and have done in the past will help me, and that our family can continue to grow.

So I look back on 2010, and am gracious for all the joy's that 2010 brought me....... HOLDEN ADYM JONATHAN, and the sadness of lossing my precious son. But I know that he is in the most wonderful place anyone could ever be, but that comforts me a little knowing that. But it's the human and mom in me that wants him here again in my arms. To see his smile, to hear his laugh and giggling, to see his precious blue eyes, to run my fingers through his brown hair, and to kiss his forehead over, and over, and over again!
I miss you so much!!!!!!

Ba humbug

Christmas is drawing near, and life is becoming more and more confusing. I'm missing you Holden more and more each day. All I keep thinking about is what great things that this year was going to bring around christmas... a 5 month old opening gifts, looking at the christmas lights and just seeing that sweet little twinkle in your eye. And now all I want is to see you, hold you and kiss your forehead.
I miss you, I just want christmas to skip over our house!

Thanks for what?

So as i'm on my online support group, a tab off to the side kept popping up saying "tell us what you are thankful for". Well honestly I don't feel as though as this year I have a lot to be thankful for, and then I really do... so I wrote this:
What am I thankful for this year......
In one way, I really don't have a lot to be thankful for, and on the other hand I have tons. On July 28th, 2010 I became a mother for the 1st time. I couldn't believe my wonderful and beautiful son - Holden Adym Jonathan was born. My world had been completed, Jon and I were so excited as this new chapter in our life together was given to us. God gave us the best gift!
And then in one quick swift moment, on August 28th, 2010 my son was taken away from me. He passed away in his sleep and what we have been told since that moment, that it was SIDS. My wonderful and beautiful world came crashing down.
But in the one month that I had with my son I am most thankful for having him here, and for him to show me so much!
So the anwer to the question "What am i thankful for this year?" Is getting a chance to know my son, and the chance to become a mom. .
 
Without you Holden, my year would have been just another year, but you made it the best year I have had since Jon and I got married, or the year that we started dating! You are the best thing. I love you so much my little micro-man <3 I love you! <3

Numb

Why is it so hard to be so happy for someone who hurt me so much? I have a new nephew and am completely not totally happy. I'm glad to hear that I have a nephew, but it hurts.
My new life and feelings just suck!

I read this poem and immediately thought of Holden. He was sent here by God, and had a job to do, but Holden just worked too fast, and got it done too quickly. I miss you with all my heart everyday. Not a minute doesn't go by that I don't think of what you would be doing! I love you my little sweetheart.

To my dearest family,

some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know that I
arrived okay.
I'm writing this from Heaven. Here I dwell
with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness,
Here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because
I'm out of sight.
remember that I am with you every
morning, noon and night.
The day I had to leave you when my life
on earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me and He
said, "I welcome you".
It's good to have you back again,
you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly, you are part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do,
to help our mortal man.
God gave me a list of things,
that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list,
was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night the
day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you... in the
middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth
and all those loving years.
Because you are only human,
they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry,
it does relief the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers,
unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you
all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life
on earth is over.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.
There are many rocky roads ahead of you
and many hills to climb.
But together we can do it by
taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy
and I'd like it for you too,
that as you give unto the world,
the world will give to you.
If you can help somebody who's
in sorrow and pain,
Then you can say to God at night...
"My day was not in vain"
And now I am contented...
That my life was worthwhile
knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody
who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up,
as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street
and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half step behind.
And when it's time for you to go...
from that body to be free.
Remember you're not going...
YOU"RE COMING HERE TO ME.