My how time has flew by...... so many new and new things have happened in my life. We just recently had our "rainbow" baby. Paige Emilie Reagyn was born on November 17, 2011. And so far, it's been a rollarcoaster of emotions. She's means the world to me, and I know that Holden is looking down from heaven with his hands on his baby sister leading her through life, and letting Jon and I see that there is still love out there for us.
She has been great.
And now she's calling me away, i'll say more later!
<3
Holden Adym Jonathan
Hurting, and the pain doesn't seem to end.
It's seems that these past few weeks/days, have been running together. They seems to be flying by, and I can't slow down. With each and every passing day, it's a consent reminder that it's another day that i'm further away from Holden. It's another day that I don't have him in my arms. I couldn't believe just 2 weeks ago, it's been 6 months since i've held him, I can still remember to a T what his smile look like that night as I laid him in his crib. I remember him opening his eyes big and bright, and just looked right up at me. I remember that day, every little thing that we did... I remember sitting in the chair just rocking him with him laying on my chest and singing to him, and rubbing his back trying to get him to calm down, and settle. I remember that morning and the horrifying scream of my husband yelling my name, and in that split second knowing that something was terribly wrong!
It's been 6 months, and this haunts me. These are my last memories of my son.... I should be remembering when he graduates from high school, or college... when he get's married, when he has his 1st child..... I should be watching him grow up.
I feel all this pain each and every day, and i'm not quite sure how to get out of this low in my grief. It's hard, it's horribly hard. I keep beating myself up that there should have been something that I should have done. My husband said it right the other day -
It's so hard to just continue on this path.... I miss Holden so much, and the worst part is that I want my son back. I want him back in my arms, and I know that this is never going to happen. I feel as though i've been telling myself this each and everyday, and now.... after 6 months i'm finally understand the words that are coming out of my mouth. That I am never going to wake from this dream. That this IS MY LIFE. This is my new life.
That now, my husband and I have to start all over, and not to replace Holden, but adding to our family, with a HUGE weight of worry on our mind as we go through that process, a process that should be a happy and joyous one. Which I feel is going to be filled with FEAR. I have to learn to have FAITH over FEAR, but that's easier said than done at this point.
I just wish that I could go back to August 27th, 2010 and snuggle just a little bit longer, kiss and hold him just a few more minutes, get a few more pictures. I miss my little "glow-worm" so much!!!!!
It's been 6 months, and this haunts me. These are my last memories of my son.... I should be remembering when he graduates from high school, or college... when he get's married, when he has his 1st child..... I should be watching him grow up.
I feel all this pain each and every day, and i'm not quite sure how to get out of this low in my grief. It's hard, it's horribly hard. I keep beating myself up that there should have been something that I should have done. My husband said it right the other day -
"7 months and 1 day ago was the greatest day of my life.... 6 months ago was the worst day of my life. You should have attended my funeral, in a very distant, unknown future. Instead I attended yours. Still can't help but to blame myself. I miss you Holden, and I always will. I love you MicroMan."
It tears me up that I have put my husband through this.....
It's so hard to just continue on this path.... I miss Holden so much, and the worst part is that I want my son back. I want him back in my arms, and I know that this is never going to happen. I feel as though i've been telling myself this each and everyday, and now.... after 6 months i'm finally understand the words that are coming out of my mouth. That I am never going to wake from this dream. That this IS MY LIFE. This is my new life.
That now, my husband and I have to start all over, and not to replace Holden, but adding to our family, with a HUGE weight of worry on our mind as we go through that process, a process that should be a happy and joyous one. Which I feel is going to be filled with FEAR. I have to learn to have FAITH over FEAR, but that's easier said than done at this point.
I just wish that I could go back to August 27th, 2010 and snuggle just a little bit longer, kiss and hold him just a few more minutes, get a few more pictures. I miss my little "glow-worm" so much!!!!!
Feeling of failing
So today as I get them mail like everyday, there in the mailbox is the letter that Jon and I have been waiting for. It's the letter from the coronor's office, with the autopsy report in it. This will tell us exactly (well we are hoping) what happened to our precious baby boy) I'm scared, scared to death to even open it. I can't, I can't do it alone, and I can't do it when Jon is here either. All I could do was text him and let him know that it is finally here. He called and talked to our pastor, and sunday we are going to review it.
In on hand I want to know, but on the other hand I feel like a failure. Like I failed as a mother. I let my son down.... I let my husband down. I've let so many people down.... and it hurts, because this is something that I cannot fix.
I miss you Holden so much! I hope that you don't feel like I failed you. I hope that I was a good mother. I miss you my little glow-worm!
In on hand I want to know, but on the other hand I feel like a failure. Like I failed as a mother. I let my son down.... I let my husband down. I've let so many people down.... and it hurts, because this is something that I cannot fix.
I miss you Holden so much! I hope that you don't feel like I failed you. I hope that I was a good mother. I miss you my little glow-worm!
6 months old.....
So as I wake this morning, my thoughts begin to go to Holden as they usually do most mornings. Wondering what new things we would have been doing... would I have been able to straighten my hair for work, crazy things like that. And of course today, I wonder.... 6 months, really, 6 months And you've been gone from my arms 5! This is insane, this is what my life is like now, counting the months that my son has been gone, and counting the moments that would have been a happy time, as now a spot to look at and think of what really we would be doing! REALLY, this is what I have now to do in my life!
It's just beautiful! I have worn it everyday, and look at it so many times at work, people probably think I have a wrist problem or something. But all I think about is Holden, Tiffany, and Julius (and of course all the other mommies and their angels too)
All I can say is this is not what I had thought my life would be like before I turned 30! Not a all... but one thing is for sure, I wouldn't trade any step... any tear that i've shed for anything in this world. I am so happy that I got the best gift given to me.... Holden, and I had him for the best month! I would not give that up!!!!!!
On a side note, I have been sick all week, and hadn't really checked my mail. Well the other week (I think the 1st part of January) my friend Tiffany (Holy Pee Stick Batman) another dear angel mommy of mine decided to honor her son Julius with doing something special each month, and for January she was doing a contest for a bracelet.... well I entered not really giving it much thought that I would ever win, but just that how cool would it be, i'd win something that not only would remind me of Holden, but also her and her son each and every day that I wore it...... Well after her drawing, I won! Really I won, the person who never wins anything! So i've been in contact with Jessica (from Trev Trev Designs) creating my bracelet... and of course long story short, I got my bracelet in the mail this week! It brightened my day when I saw the package. Here's a pic for all to see:
It's just beautiful! I have worn it everyday, and look at it so many times at work, people probably think I have a wrist problem or something. But all I think about is Holden, Tiffany, and Julius (and of course all the other mommies and their angels too) Need to do something?
I don't know, I just don't know what direction my life is heading, and I just have the need to do something. I come home everyday from work, and just sit..... sit and do nothing, but think and wonder what life would be like. What would my life truely be like with a child here to take care of. Someone who needed me at every second of their lives?
I just feel that there is something out there that I should be pouring myself into. Wether it's scrapbooking Holden's book, or working on other cross-stich projects, or hell even trying to get into more better shape. But all I feel is the need to just sit, sit and reflect, but I feel that it's pulling me down into a funk, and with it being winter I think that's the worst for me.
I just feel that there is something out there that I should be pouring myself into. Wether it's scrapbooking Holden's book, or working on other cross-stich projects, or hell even trying to get into more better shape. But all I feel is the need to just sit, sit and reflect, but I feel that it's pulling me down into a funk, and with it being winter I think that's the worst for me.
Happy New Years
As I sit and listen to the nosie's happening around this quite house, I wonder what the sounds would have been? Would I be hearing some crying of someone getting up around now? Or the laugh of a little boy making faces at mommy? Or would daddy be up and making Holden giggle? That's what I wonder, I wonder why my "new life" is like this..... would I ever hear these things again? Would I ever be happen and joyous as I was when Holden was born?
My hope for 2011 is that maybe, just maybe I can feel happiness again, that I can feel the love at first sight again. That Holden will become a Big Brother, that my fears of starting my family again will be calmed with my faith in the Lord. That everything that I did, and have done in the past will help me, and that our family can continue to grow.
So I look back on 2010, and am gracious for all the joy's that 2010 brought me....... HOLDEN ADYM JONATHAN, and the sadness of lossing my precious son. But I know that he is in the most wonderful place anyone could ever be, but that comforts me a little knowing that. But it's the human and mom in me that wants him here again in my arms. To see his smile, to hear his laugh and giggling, to see his precious blue eyes, to run my fingers through his brown hair, and to kiss his forehead over, and over, and over again!
I miss you so much!!!!!!
My hope for 2011 is that maybe, just maybe I can feel happiness again, that I can feel the love at first sight again. That Holden will become a Big Brother, that my fears of starting my family again will be calmed with my faith in the Lord. That everything that I did, and have done in the past will help me, and that our family can continue to grow.
So I look back on 2010, and am gracious for all the joy's that 2010 brought me....... HOLDEN ADYM JONATHAN, and the sadness of lossing my precious son. But I know that he is in the most wonderful place anyone could ever be, but that comforts me a little knowing that. But it's the human and mom in me that wants him here again in my arms. To see his smile, to hear his laugh and giggling, to see his precious blue eyes, to run my fingers through his brown hair, and to kiss his forehead over, and over, and over again!
I miss you so much!!!!!!
Ba humbug
Christmas is drawing near, and life is becoming more and more confusing. I'm missing you Holden more and more each day. All I keep thinking about is what great things that this year was going to bring around christmas... a 5 month old opening gifts, looking at the christmas lights and just seeing that sweet little twinkle in your eye. And now all I want is to see you, hold you and kiss your forehead.
I miss you, I just want christmas to skip over our house!
I miss you, I just want christmas to skip over our house!
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